Comedy Club Goer Gifts

Hall of Crazy Mirrors.

"Wow...tough crowd."

'Gerald's first and last visit to a lapdancing club.'

This is the worst drag act I've ever seen

The only time cats are known to laugh.

"My prescription was for Dramamine, not drama queen!"

"Seriously, folks, if you think I'm bad, wait till you see the next guy…"

'Is the divorce pool still open?'

'Meeting of The Suicide Club for One Night Only!'

Out of Context Nite with Jeremy Clarkson.

'1-800 GET LOST Gee, your phone number is an easy one to remember,'

Mitch performs in front of an oddience.

'last night she spat in my face. My mustache caught alight.'

'Pardon me, miss, would you jump up and down for $20!'

'It's a special deal we're only offering our regulars. We bundle your internet, cell phone, and bar tab in one convenient bill.'

Onion Strip Clubs.

'Do you guys like impressions? This one is a random kid I went to school with.'

'Listen up, you ghoul fools, at midnight the mummy takes off the wrappings! Heh heh - just kidding folks, but seriously...'

'Isn't it odd that Mona, the vegetarian, is seen with so many turkeys?'

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

'Do you know the way to San Jose without breaking into a Bacharach number?'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

Trilby - 'Bonjour, Suzon!'

'A rose tattoo for your lady friend sir?...' A female Tattooist offering a rose tattoo, in the way of the old Rose Ladies in clubs and pubs

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'