Club Comedian Gifts

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

Sober Tooth Tiger

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

"Would you like to try them out?"

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

"Do kids eat free?"

'For Sale by Neighbor'

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

Hypnotoon

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

Death Beggar

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

Gangsta wrap.

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'