Club Comedian Pillows

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

The only time cats are known to laugh.

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

"Do kids eat free?"

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

"Would you like to try them out?"

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

Sober Tooth Tiger

'For Sale by Neighbor'

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

Hypnotoon

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

Death Beggar

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."