Nightclub Comedian Pillows

Dave couldn't understand it. That was the loudest Birhtday Burp he'd done all night and the stuck up cow still wasn't interested...

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

Sober Tooth Tiger

"Do kids eat free?"

'For Sale by Neighbor'

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

Hypnotoon

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

Death Beggar

Gangsta wrap.

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

"She said don't forget the straw."

"I'm going to Bognor next year!"

"It was a really classy restaurant. The waiters drop the food on the floor for you."

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."

Burlyesque

"Mind if I read a little?"

American Express Credit Card

"No, I'm a transplant."