Bar Scene Comedian Pillows

"She said don't forget the straw."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

"What other tricks does he need?"

Complementary Beverages

"So who ordered the 'Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum on a dead mans chest'?"

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'These drinks have been watered down.'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

"I feel like I've just been played my whole life."

Virtual Lap Dancing

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

'I'd like a brandy please...'

"Let's have some fun, guys -- Let's walk into a bar."

"I couldn't help overhearing what you ladies said about all the chlorine in the toilet water, and I could not agree more."

"If that's the chief medical officer I'm not here."

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

'I'm having what he's having.'

"Wow, that's amazing! I've only been to this bar once before. I'm surprised you remembered my round!"

"Leave the toilet."

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."

People talking through a stethoscope.

Why don't we wait until we know each other better before I tell you how I got the name 'Humpty'.

Lawyer-poet-in-residence

What's grey, has four legs and a trunk?

'Two pints of blonde please.'