Bar Humor Enthusiast Pillows

'You STUPID fool Ryan! Didn't i warn you not to go JUDGING his cover?!' / A book has just been bashed around a bit for judging another book's cover.

"I wanted to get her a car instead of that ten carat diamond ring, but I couldn't find a fake Mercedes."

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, my AA sponsor walks into mine."

'Don't you DARE!'

'I don't think I've seen your brother, what does he look like?'

'If that's my wife, tell her meow, meuwwf, meew, hiss.'

'Then I hit him with my three-legged punch. . .I hit him with my stool.'

'No discussions of the Bush presidency during happy hour!'

"Believe me, babe, you'll be sorry after my gastric bypass."

"Oh, it's you Jane. I didn't recognize you standing up."

"This is my shoulder to cry on..."

"I'm angry-white-male with bi-polar issues! You got a problem with that buddy?!"

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"What other tricks does he need?"

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"Scientists may need a trillion dollar atom smasher to explore the fundamental questions of the universe, but all you need is one too many."

Complementary Beverages

"So who ordered the 'Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum on a dead mans chest'?"

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

". . . so a duck walks into a . . ."

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

Inappropriate horse whispering.

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'