Bar Humor Aficionado Pillows

'Oh, sure, the whole nine lives thing is great until the life insurance premiums come due.'

"Oh no, not another Philiphs head"

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

"So who ordered the 'Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum on a dead mans chest'?"

"I should give myself up... I'm a bad habit!"

"I've forgotten to remember why I'm drinking to forget. . ."

"For him to admit he's an alcoholic took a lot of bottle!"

"Stop me if I've told you this one...."

All I'm sayin is let he who has not driven naked and stoned cast the first stone...

'Strong, intelligent women don't bother me any -- I never go anywhere NEAR them.'

'Whatever you say, don't say 'Is there a plumber in the house'.'

"I couldn't help overhearing what you ladies said about all the chlorine in the toilet water, and I could not agree more."

'My dog can lick any guy in this bar.'

'You darts are all the same! You have one thing and one thing only on your mind.'

The beer-proof beret!

Biclops: "...and then I was outed in '84 and force to admit I liked the men as well as the ladies."

'No more for him mate. He's driving.'

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"What other tricks does he need?"

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"Scientists may need a trillion dollar atom smasher to explore the fundamental questions of the universe, but all you need is one too many."

Complementary Beverages

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

". . . so a duck walks into a . . ."

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'