Pub Comedian Pillows

'Our eyes met across a crowded room, and she called the cops.'

"To be fair - he DID say he was going to rearrange your face...!"

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

"What other tricks does he need?"

Teapot

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."

". . . so a duck walks into a . . ."

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

"She said don't forget the straw."

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

'Hello, my name is Death'

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

'Did you or did you not tell me to collect EVERYBODY'S glasses?'

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"Harpy Hour."

"Fetch and roll over weren't enough-then they sent me to philosophy classes."

"Oi, who are you bleedin' looking at?"

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

No shirt, no shoes, no service.

The Last of the Passenger Pigeons

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

'I'd like a brandy please...'

'He's clever alright-just watch him dry up when it's HIS round!'

"Some people call me a ball-buster, but I prefer cojones-crusher."

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."

Why don't we wait until we know each other better before I tell you how I got the name 'Humpty'.

No glasses to be taken outside.