Pub Comedian Pillows

Guy over there wants to know if he can buy you a chaser.

'Our eyes met across a crowded room, and she called the cops.'

"To be fair - he DID say he was going to rearrange your face...!"

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

"What other tricks does he need?"

Teapot

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."

". . . so a duck walks into a . . ."

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

"She said don't forget the straw."

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

'Did you or did you not tell me to collect EVERYBODY'S glasses?'

"Harpy Hour."

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

'Hello, my name is Death'

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"Fetch and roll over weren't enough-then they sent me to philosophy classes."

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

"Oi, who are you bleedin' looking at?"

The Last of the Passenger Pigeons

"Some people call me a ball-buster, but I prefer cojones-crusher."

No shirt, no shoes, no service.

'He's clever alright-just watch him dry up when it's HIS round!'

'I'd like a brandy please...'

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."

'You always have an excuse when it's your turn to buy the drinks.'