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Dave couldn't understand it. That was the loudest Birhtday Burp he'd done all night and the stuck up cow still wasn't interested...

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

Sober Tooth Tiger

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"Do kids eat free?"

'For Sale by Neighbor'

Hypnotoon

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."

Death Beggar

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'

Gangsta wrap.

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"I'm going to Bognor next year!"

"She said don't forget the straw."

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."

Burlyesque

"It was a really classy restaurant. The waiters drop the food on the floor for you."

"Mind if I read a little?"

"No, I'm a transplant."

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