Comedy Clubbers Gifts

Hypnotoon

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

"Who here likes impressions?"

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

'Okay,what happened? Who gave you a White eye?'

Polly Clinic.

Two Fleas in a Bar

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

The only time cats are known to laugh.

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'Do you know the way to San Jose without breaking into a Bacharach number?'

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

"Do kids eat free?"

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

The Walk of Shame

Sober Tooth Tiger

"Would you like to try them out?"

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'