Comedy Clubbers Gifts

Hypnotoon

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

"Who here likes impressions?"

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

'Okay,what happened? Who gave you a White eye?'

Polly Clinic.

Two Fleas in a Bar

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

The Walk of Shame

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

"Would you like to try them out?"

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

Sober Tooth Tiger

"Do kids eat free?"

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

Death Beggar

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."