Club Comic Pillows

'For some reason they've nailed the mike to the floor.'

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

Zombie standup

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

The only time cats are known to laugh.

'We're taking over tonight, it's the only way to save the farm.'

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'Stay with me now, people, because in Step C, things get a bit delicate.'

'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

"This is the communications workshop, right? Let’s get started, I’m prepared!"

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

'What we need is a decision, not more foot-dragging.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

'Hawaii can wait. These reports cannot.'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

'You'll be broadening up your horizons in a cubicle.'

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

Sober Tooth Tiger

"Do kids eat free?"

"Would you like to try them out?"