Client Relations Guru Gifts

'I don't get it. He's got only one tongue and two ears, but he talks twice as much as he listens.'

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'Our product flooded the market... Before backing up a deluge of consumer complaints!'

Apart from your mother, who else thinks you're doing a good job as Chairman of the company?

"National security adviser"

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

Direct Marketing...

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'This one is for keeping 'On Message' in the spin wars.'

"Well, it could be the rising tide of consumer indifference to our company's latest product, or it might be the sink in the men's bathroom acting up again. We're still not sure."

"But I've seen a million wind-up monkeys. Wait! Did you say it bangs on a snare drum?"

"We rolled your account over, sir, and that just made it worse."

'Even though you're the client, it's my duty to tell you you're wrong. . . Ok then. Speak slowly so I can write down your every whim.'

"So we've managed to consolidate all our multinational 24 hour hotline support centres down to one Single Point of Contact... and here he is."

'I was headhunted.'

Telephone line ends up buried in the ground with a headstone.

"Remember, Mort: Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is remaining media-savvy in the face of fear!"

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

'Rabner is tops in customer retention.'

'In our press release, stress that our strategic focus will be on solving society's problems. This is code for making a bundle of money.'

"My loophole out-loopholes your loophole."

"I'm working as fast as I can, Mr. Sims. There are only so many billable hours in a day, you know."

What a Guy! The Tops! - "He likes to make his clients feel important."

Public Relations 101: Today's Lecture: 'Weapons of mass deception.'

"I work in PR where I provide a dynamic and highly effective bespoke service that can work for you and blah blah blah ..."

"I'm sure you do spend all your time here at the office, but could you please stop having your mail delivered here?"

"We need to improve our environmental credentials, tell everyone on the rigs to start using recyclable cups."

"I'm glad my team places me on a pedestal."

'We need to change our marketing strategy.'

"I've got your letter in front of me now, sir."

"Providing the kind of service the customer is paying for could be a serious hassle."

Now before I give you my report, I want you all to remember the word 'cycle'.