Client Relations Guru Pillows

'I don't get it. He's got only one tongue and two ears, but he talks twice as much as he listens.'

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'Our product flooded the market... Before backing up a deluge of consumer complaints!'

Apart from your mother, who else thinks you're doing a good job as Chairman of the company?

"National security adviser"

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

Direct Marketing...

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'This one is for keeping 'On Message' in the spin wars.'

"But I've seen a million wind-up monkeys. Wait! Did you say it bangs on a snare drum?"

"Well, it could be the rising tide of consumer indifference to our company's latest product, or it might be the sink in the men's bathroom acting up again. We're still not sure."

"We rolled your account over, sir, and that just made it worse."

'Even though you're the client, it's my duty to tell you you're wrong. . . Ok then. Speak slowly so I can write down your every whim.'

'I was headhunted.'

"So we've managed to consolidate all our multinational 24 hour hotline support centres down to one Single Point of Contact... and here he is."

Telephone line ends up buried in the ground with a headstone.

"Remember, Mort: Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is remaining media-savvy in the face of fear!"

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

'Rabner is tops in customer retention.'

"I'm working as fast as I can, Mr. Sims. There are only so many billable hours in a day, you know."

"My loophole out-loopholes your loophole."

'In our press release, stress that our strategic focus will be on solving society's problems. This is code for making a bundle of money.'

Public Relations 101: Today's Lecture: 'Weapons of mass deception.'

What a Guy! The Tops! - "He likes to make his clients feel important."

"I'm glad my team places me on a pedestal."

"I'm sure you do spend all your time here at the office, but could you please stop having your mail delivered here?"

'We need to change our marketing strategy.'

Now before I give you my report, I want you all to remember the word 'cycle'.

"Providing the kind of service the customer is paying for could be a serious hassle."

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

"I work in PR where I provide a dynamic and highly effective bespoke service that can work for you and blah blah blah ..."

"We need to improve our environmental credentials, tell everyone on the rigs to start using recyclable cups."