Clergy Gifts

'I really do feel empowered. I should've joined a gang years ago.'

"One of you will betray me."

"This is a little embarrassing to admit, but everything that happens happens for no real reason."

'No, Father, they're not praying. They're texting.'

'Brother Andrew is a big Elvis fan.'

Trappist talk show.

Church mice: 'We'd like to talk to you about cheeses.'

"There can be no peace until they renounce their Rabbit God and accept our Duck God."

'In compliance with Federal full-disclosure laws, I'm required to tell you that I'm really not all that sure about some of this stuff.'

I have not lowered my standards...I've just set more realistic goals...'

Woman Bishop with vacuum cleaner. Vicar saying 'It's to appease the traditionalists.'

10 Commandments Exceptions.

'It makes baptisms a lot more fun for everyone.'

'The Lord works in mysterious ways, and rarely keeps receipts.'

'Mr Bagley, I'm afraid there's rather more to being a bishop than having your own hat.'

The eulogy was beautiful, although the question-answer period was rather odd.

'What is this, some kind of joke?'

"Hold on-I think you got my toast."

'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth, but not the oil and mineral rights.'

Regular Confession and Express Booth.

"'Present' is not an appropriate response."

"Perhaps more people would give heed unto the word of the Lord if the Lord had a funny blog."

"So, please, dig a little deeper and help us get rid of pop-up ads for good."

"Sorry, I'm preaching again. Why don't we pause for a moment while I pass around the collection plate."

While watching Mass at home during the pandemic, dad gets the bright idea of taking up a collection.

'It's very inflammed. Why don't you take a vow of silence for a few days?'

Actual Results May Vary

"O Lord—why art thou such a drama queen?"

God's Wrath Level: high.

Commuting bishop uses crook to hold on to tube train strap.

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

"That's not what I said."

'I'm afraid neither of my parents are at home... Are they Dad? '

'I keep having this nightmare where everybody's wearing taller hats than mine.'

"Excuse me—does this joke need a lawyer?"