Clergy Pillows

'I really do feel empowered. I should've joined a gang years ago.'

"This is a little embarrassing to admit, but everything that happens happens for no real reason."

'No, Father, they're not praying. They're texting.'

Trappist talk show.

Church mice: 'We'd like to talk to you about cheeses.'

"There can be no peace until they renounce their Rabbit God and accept our Duck God."

'In compliance with Federal full-disclosure laws, I'm required to tell you that I'm really not all that sure about some of this stuff.'

I have not lowered my standards...I've just set more realistic goals...'

Woman Bishop with vacuum cleaner. Vicar saying 'It's to appease the traditionalists.'

10 Commandments Exceptions.

'The Lord works in mysterious ways, and rarely keeps receipts.'

'Mr Bagley, I'm afraid there's rather more to being a bishop than having your own hat.'

'What is this, some kind of joke?'

The eulogy was beautiful, although the question-answer period was rather odd.

"Hold on-I think you got my toast."

'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth, but not the oil and mineral rights.'

Regular Confession and Express Booth.

"Sorry, I'm preaching again. Why don't we pause for a moment while I pass around the collection plate."

"'Present' is not an appropriate response."

"Perhaps more people would give heed unto the word of the Lord if the Lord had a funny blog."

"So, please, dig a little deeper and help us get rid of pop-up ads for good."

Commuting bishop uses crook to hold on to tube train strap.

God's Wrath Level: high.

'It's very inflammed. Why don't you take a vow of silence for a few days?'

"O Lord—why art thou such a drama queen?"

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

Actual Results May Vary

"Excuse me—does this joke need a lawyer?"

"That's not what I said."

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

'I'm afraid neither of my parents are at home... Are they Dad? '

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

"You're kidding! You count S.A.T.s?"

Jesus- his final words.

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'