Churchyard Chuckler Gifts

"I used to pray for their salvation...now I just beat the *!^#@? out of them."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

Where 'Pastor'-ized Milk Comes From...

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Hello. I'm here to install the new pastor."

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Sermon - why our religion is really better than yours.

'Golly, is it that time already?'

'And then the Lord proclaimed, in a loud, thunderous voice...'

Employees must cleanse souls before returning to work.

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

"I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon."

Speaking words of wisdom, letter B

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

'A funny thing happened to me on the way to the church tonight..'

'Look, Brother Timothy - a sign from God!'

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

Sunday School. Strange --- Apples were forbidden, but apparently fried foods were okay.

'I always thought that church mouse thing was just a figure of speech.'

"A reading from the ax of the apostles."

"...lettuce pray."

"Turn to page 12 for our non-binary singalong."

Confessional bathroom

"We learned in Sunday School about how Cain whacked Abel."