Church Participation Gifts

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

'I know you had a bad week, Dear, but you don't have to go through the communion line twice.'

The Count Joins the Church Search Committee

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"That's our new church mascot."

'Let us pray...'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"We missed you at church Sunday."

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

Verger Works

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Dance of the Red (Papal) Shoes.

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'