Church Fete Gifts

Charity Shop and Faith and Hope Shops.

'Ah - Mr. Figgs - you used to work for that bank - anything for the church fete?'

Prize vegetables.

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Church Basement Foodie

"If anyone has googled reasons that these two should not be married..."

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

R.C.I.A.

A woman in prayer

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

'But why do we have to plough the fields and scatter when we get everything from Tesco?'

Next Sunday - Rap Mass! 'I thought we reached the limit when we had that jazz mass.'

"...And please let at least one person admire my new hat!"

'This is for the V.A.T.- the Vicar's Autumn Treat!'

"Give us this day our daily bread..."

"Maybe all spirit filled meetings should be held outside to avoid setting off the sprinklers."

"Relax, the vicar's surrounded the place with mouse traps."

"Can we discuss this?"

'We finally nailed down where our congregation's priorities lie!'

Ventriloquist's fete

'My competitor down the street sasses his parents.'

"First, you have to get their attention."

'Dear, it's called a collection plate, not a tip jar.'

Joe's Bar: Sorry, closed to the public due to on-premises 'Bar Mitzvah'.

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

Drive-Thru Church Service

"There, there, Dear. Brother Amos momentarily slipped back into his secular life when he said your cake is 'sinfully good'."

'An egg and spoon race! That's horrible!'

Congregation

'Thanks for the thought but we can't accept lottery tickets.'

You can take the girl out of Kew...

Comedy Vicar Competition

Vicar with three taps: hot, cold and holy.

'Oh no, the Gradwells are here with their homemade wine!'