Village Fete Gifts

'Oh no, the Gradwells are here with their homemade wine!'

Prize vegetables.

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

Abstract expressionist face painting.

"I've never seen Tia Carmen so excited about a grand opening."

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

Lobster a la Riseholme!

Ventriloquist's fete

'My competitor down the street sasses his parents.'

'For heaven's sake, Armitage... Can't you just accept 2nd place in the best leek category??'

Annual Lump Festival Competition:'I don't know if I can give an award, they're all so fantastic..'

'An egg and spoon race! That's horrible!'

Comedy Vicar Competition

You can take the girl out of Kew...

'Ah - Mr. Figgs - you used to work for that bank - anything for the church fete?'

'Well, once it's won the prize for Biggest Marrow I shall expect you to replace my fence!'

The village cinema-club was going down a treat with the locals!

"No fair!"

Charity Shop and Faith and Hope Shops.

Two stalls at the village fete: Kisses £5.00 and Latest gossip £2.50

'Can we put our hands together for a warm Kettlesong Village Hall welcome to Mr Grimby and what should be a riveting talk about the Ice Age.'

Sign reads: 'Kisses ?5.00'

Woman punches man for wrongly guessing her weight.

The Week-Long Party Catering Co.

"The fireworks money should be spent on something the community wants."

Footman and groom talk about the rector's weight in horse terms

'My God! He must have been there since the last one!'

Girl selling kisses at village fete is arrested by a vice squad officer.