Church Comedienne Gifts

"It's rose, not pink...Because Jesus rose from the dead. He didn't pink from it."

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

Monk Prompt

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

How's my sermon. . .

'Even More Disciples'

"...and in conclusion..."

The ten ammendments

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'

Nun Binning the Devil

Bishops Snooker

"The whole neighborhood has an opinion on who the next pope should be."

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

The Sleeping Congregation.

'The good stuff is here, under the counter.'

'Nice try, but Disneyland isn't a foreign mission.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

'I really don't need to go to church, Reverend -- I feel guilty enough without it.'

Next Sunday - Rap Mass! 'I thought we reached the limit when we had that jazz mass.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Applause

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

'Ask about our daily sermon by fax plan.'

'Great escapism, Reverend!'

Today's sermon: 'Do sin taxes violate the seperation of church & state?'

'I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon.'

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

How's my Sermon . . .

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

'I appreciate you enthusiasm...but please stop doing the Wave.'

'Well, for the sake of argument, just pretend you've done something wicked.'

"You have a divine right - and the left isn't bad either."

"Yo! You check the pH lately? I have sensitive eyes, ya know."