Church Comedian Gifts

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Once, just once, I'd like to use dribble glasses for communion. How about you?'

Excommunicate Me.

"Tell them it's your first time here and you'll get a great swag bag."

"Due to an error in wording, your baptisims are no longer valid."

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

Yonder: Roll Call Every 15 Min.

"God willing, you'll get the lear jet, Reverend!"

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"I donated the urinal you're using to the church."

"I was on the worship team when they got carried away with the smoke and lights. Next thing I know I'm disoriented and falling off the stage."

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

"Now remember, after this anointing you need to return every 3 months or 3000 miles."

"Bill me!"

How's my Sermon . . .

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"I'd like to welcome you all to today's Easter service!"

"Zoning sent me - I'm your new baptismal pool lifeguard."

'The buck stops here'

Inside church reactions to the Pope's resignation...

"The whole neighborhood has an opinion on who the next pope should be."

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

Heathens or Democrats?

God says no to praying woman.

'When pastors take sports analogies too far...'

''Father' is too patriarchal -- from now on, we'll be called 'parsonpersons.''

'Holy-Kanoly' makes his infamous 'Leap-of-Faith' jump.

Support group for sheep.

St. Elmo's fired.

Monk Prompt

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

How's my sermon. . .

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'