Church Humorist Gifts

Blessed are the brief.

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

"God's love is unconditional. But you must act now. Offer may be withdrawn at any time. Void where prohibited by law."

Confessions may be recorded for evaluation and training purposes.

'The vicar suggested an appropriate piece for next Sunday might be the Voluntary 'Redundancy'.'

Why the Pope resigned...

"-Haven't seen my notes for Sunday's sermon lying about anywhere, dear?"

'With the possible exception of my husband, we all enjoyed your sermon, Reverend.'

Church sign: 'Contains some violence and strong language'.

'We've put Father O'Brien in charge of minor sins.'

Man in church sees sign: Thank you for not yawning.

Next Sunday - Rap Mass! 'I thought we reached the limit when we had that jazz mass.'

'I heard they faked their schisms...'

How's my sermon. . .

'Well, for the sake of argument, just pretend you've done something wicked.'

"To hell with you, too."

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

'I know they do that in church, Sweetie, but Daddy isn't a statue.'

'Does anyone have a light, please?

Sunday Service

'I really don't need to go to church, Reverend -- I feel guilty enough without it.'

"You have a divine right - and the left isn't bad either."

Applause

'Success, Simkins, is when someone shouts 'encore' after the sermon.'

"Now comes the downside to this job - I need the toilet!"

"I've heard about the dangers of passive smoking."

"That should say 'message', you imbecile!"

Clergy golf cart in church parking spaces.

Boy and Mother Play Practical Joke on Verger

Usher about usher with metal detector: 'He's checking for cell phones.'

'The occasional joke is fine --but quit calling the congregation 'Ladies and Germs.''

"Yo! You check the pH lately? I have sensitive eyes, ya know."

"I really liked that stuff you were saying about all of us being sinners and how we're damned for eternity."

A priest performing a magic trick

Quick Confessional Box - 8 sins or less.