Church Humorist Gifts

Blessed are the brief.

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

"God's love is unconditional. But you must act now. Offer may be withdrawn at any time. Void where prohibited by law."

Why the Pope resigned...

Confessions may be recorded for evaluation and training purposes.

'The vicar suggested an appropriate piece for next Sunday might be the Voluntary 'Redundancy'.'

Next Sunday - Rap Mass! 'I thought we reached the limit when we had that jazz mass.'

'With the possible exception of my husband, we all enjoyed your sermon, Reverend.'

"-Haven't seen my notes for Sunday's sermon lying about anywhere, dear?"

Church sign: 'Contains some violence and strong language'.

'We've put Father O'Brien in charge of minor sins.'

'I'd like to ask the council's advice on how to get the congregation to sit closer to the front of the church.'

'I heard they faked their schisms...'

'Well, for the sake of argument, just pretend you've done something wicked.'

Man in church sees sign: Thank you for not yawning.

How's my sermon. . .

"To hell with you, too."

'Does anyone have a light, please?

'The occasional joke is fine --but quit calling the congregation 'Ladies and Germs.''

Sunday Service

"Yo! You check the pH lately? I have sensitive eyes, ya know."

'I know they do that in church, Sweetie, but Daddy isn't a statue.'

"You have a divine right - and the left isn't bad either."

"That should say 'message', you imbecile!"

Boy and Mother Play Practical Joke on Verger

Clergy golf cart in church parking spaces.

'Success, Simkins, is when someone shouts 'encore' after the sermon.'

"Now comes the downside to this job - I need the toilet!"

'I really don't need to go to church, Reverend -- I feel guilty enough without it.'

Usher about usher with metal detector: 'He's checking for cell phones.'

Applause

"Deacon, you cannot wear a collar! People will confuse you with being a priest."

"I've heard about the dangers of passive smoking."

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"Just have a seat, Reverend. The search committee will be right in."