Church Closure Gifts

"I suppose a lot of people do their worshipping online these days."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'Let us pray...'

'Neither a lender nor a borrower be.'

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Dance of the Red (Papal) Shoes.

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

The ten ammendments

Vicar wearing sunglasses.

United Church of OMG

Sermon Applause.

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

Golden parachutes inc. - 'Our pleas for bail-out funds were ignored.'

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

Kentucky Fried Horse

The Sleeping Congregation.

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.