Church Going Gifts

"I AM committed to church. I go sometimes, once in a while, and every now and then."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

Priest

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

Verger Works

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

'Let us pray...'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

Dance of the Red (Papal) Shoes.

"That's our new church mascot."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.