Churchgoing Gifts

"It's true - we totally have the best religion!"

'We were forced to leave our last church when some visitors took our seats.'

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

Casual Sunday

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"What do you mean the message wasn't directed at me, the Pastor said my full name three times!"

"Just because you think someone is praying a long time does not give you the right and try to end it with a loud amen."

"A new preacher. He still has that new car smell."

"It's so much easier dragging the kids to church in the winter."

"...And forgive the congregation member who left their cell phone on and it rang during the sermon!"

Never admit you missed church services this past Sunday.

"You don't belong in the Bermudez family...unless you know how to control pain when you're pinched for acting up in church."

"The turnstile will help count attendance and raise the offering."

"I wonder if he's talking to me?"

John panics as he realizes being first to put money in the offering means people will know how much he gave.

'Sermon - if he wanted us to eat genetically-modified food, h would have modified them himself.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Church sign.

'I wonder if there's a message up there somewhere.'

First Church: Today's Sermon: 'Can our Entitlements Be Saved?'

'St. Paul's Church.'

The collection plate at church has a piggy bank on it.

Church Seats

Lady concerned about her new bonnet being on straight when entering church

The Church-Going Bell.

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'