Christian Comedian Gifts

Baptisms should always have ground rules: "Make this quick, I can only hold my breath for 17 seconds."

Monk Prompt

St. Elmo's fired.

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

Giving Things Up For Lent.

How's my sermon. . .

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'

The Sleeping Congregation.

"...and in conclusion..."

Bishops Snooker

'Even More Disciples'

'The good stuff is here, under the counter.'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

The ten ammendments

"The whole neighborhood has an opinion on who the next pope should be."

Garden of Eden and scrumping

'I really don't need to go to church, Reverend -- I feel guilty enough without it.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"Thou Shalt not Covid thy Neighbor's Wife!"

Next Sunday - Rap Mass! 'I thought we reached the limit when we had that jazz mass.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Applause

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

'Still no money, but a lot more IOU's than usual!'

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

'I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon.'

'Great escapism, Reverend!'

How's my Sermon . . .

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

'Well, for the sake of argument, just pretend you've done something wicked.'

"Jesus is not here. Let's check the one over..."