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Baptisms should always have ground rules: "Make this quick, I can only hold my breath for 17 seconds."

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

St. Elmo's fired.

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

Monk Prompt

Giving Things Up For Lent.

How's my sermon. . .

The ten ammendments

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'

'The good stuff is here, under the counter.'

'Even More Disciples'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

The Sleeping Congregation.

"...and in conclusion..."

Bishops Snooker

"The whole neighborhood has an opinion on who the next pope should be."

Garden of Eden and scrumping

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

'I really don't need to go to church, Reverend -- I feel guilty enough without it.'

Next Sunday - Rap Mass! 'I thought we reached the limit when we had that jazz mass.'

Applause

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Still no money, but a lot more IOU's than usual!'

'I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon.'

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

'Great escapism, Reverend!'

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

How's my Sermon . . .

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

'Well, for the sake of argument, just pretend you've done something wicked.'

"You have a divine right - and the left isn't bad either."