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"Jesus is not here. Let's check the one over..."

Jesus drives the traders from the temple, "Busy day lads?"

'I wonder what they wanted with rum this time of night?'

"I tried the old, if you're without sin throw the first stone. Well, figures Jesus was in the crowd."

'Things have really livened up down there since You introduced SEXUAL reproduction.'

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

'Holy-Kanoly' makes his infamous 'Leap-of-Faith' jump.

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

'The Lord spake to Moses? You mean voice mail?'

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

"You call this a constitution?"

"Well, that certainly killed my buzz."

"What did you expect in the land of milk and honey?"

The Beer Garden of Eden: "This hard cider is life-changing. Try a sip."

"This Adam and Eve thing -- Is there a warranty?"

"We've been wandering in the desert for forty years. But he's a man—would he ever ask directions?"

KING HEROD INTERROGATES THE WISE MEN TO KNOW BABY JESUS'S WHEREABOUTS

"I certainly trust this meal is kosher."

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"But you can eat as much as you want from the tree of bullshit."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

Giving Things Up For Lent.

"Have your people call my people."

The ten ammendments

'Psst, Noah - there's a rumour going round that the dodos are gay.'

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Jesus is talking again with the tax collectors. We must be close to the fiscal year end."

'I'm not complaining or anything, but these are going to be really hard on our self-esteem!'

'Number three?', 'This is NOT a quiz!'

Finger puppets in church.

"Don't forget the screenplay."

"Wait a minute- these are just the ten commandments of perfect mashed potatoes."