Childbirth Gifts

Maternity Doors

'Her husband? No, I'm her lawyer.'

'Congratulations! It's an obesity time bomb'

Try to stay off your feet until after the baby's born.

Whoops, left the tape out. We'll have to start over.

'Wait, breathe or don't breathe? Oh jeez, why did I have to sleep through Lamaze class?'

'Worst case of premature baldness I've ever seen.'

'My chiropractor said that since I had the twins my posture has improved.'

Maternity Ward

'Doctor, how long will it be before the stork arrives?'

The age of passwords.

"Doc, she's having contractions!"

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

"So this is the secret to the start of labour!"

'My labor was a breeze! Nine minutes and out he came!'

'Sign here.'

Cry babies.

'This placenta's not very filling, I think I'll nip out for a pizza.'

'So, where do storks come from?'

'I encourage natural childbirth - gently coaxing the baby into the world. If that fails, I go with brute force and intimidation.'

"Bye bye, comfort zone."

"Not to alarm you, but the other newborns are already ahead."

Midwife presents a baby with its own volume control: 'Finally, evolution has done its thing.'

'He's the father of the entire first row.'

"They're a very hi-tech family. Apparently, even their baby was cordless."

'He has all of his fingers and toes and, so far...no carbon footprint.'

The Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'I'm the one with his head in a pelvic vice!'

Maternity Ward - Push Hard.

"You're tired? HELLO, what about me? I haven't slept since I was born!"

'We've agreed on a name, but not a username.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

'Since we couldn't afford health care insurance, we induced labor in our car so our auto insurance would cover any maternity costs.'

Maternity Ward: Push.

Clown Delivering Babies.

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'