Birth Of A Child Gifts

'Dude, don't do it. Somewhere down the road it will lead to chores.'

'It was hard enough making ends meet when it was just the two of us. Now we have a baby and suddenly there's four more stomachs to feed.'

'Don't be silly- of course you're going into the family business!'

"Rush this patient to the maternity ward! She's about to deliver a baby!"

"I told you I was too old to have a baby."

'He's not talking yet, but his texting skills are excellent...'

Trombone emerges from pram. Mother says: 'I'm a firm believer in starting them young.'

"So when do we go online?"

A salesman father waves to his son at the maternity ward.

'Look, I think she recognised you!'

"Black and a girl? You are freaking kidding me!"

Jackson Pollock as a child

"If I had to classify our parenting style, I would call it a 24/7, terrifying, all-consuming, worrying style."

"We're callin' 'im Bill, coz he came at the end of the month"

"Act your birth order!"

"...and Jerry here has brought the gift of 'The Gab'."

"He's a bright little spark, isn't he?"

'Mom's always telling me to look both ways, don't talk to strangers, and change my passwords.'

'I feel much safer living in a gated community.'

Impractical Guide to having babies: 'Disposable Nappies'

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

Maternity Unit - 'Congratulations! It's a midwife!'

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

'Look! He's taking his first steps.'

'Look dear, he's burning his first illegal download to rewritable dvd'

New dad.

New parents refusing to change their baby's nappy

'Don't worry about gaining weight after the baby - You'll run it off during the toddler years.'

'They sort of grow on you.'

'Don't feel bad. Maybe your son is just a late bloomer.'

'Wait a minute...what am I doing? I can't count yet.'

"Some wise men...you'd think one of them would have thought of diapers."

"You put PhD on birth certificate?!" "It's never to early to give em an advantage."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."