Chef Wannabe T-Shirts

"Of all the Smiths in the world I had to marry a Delia Smith type!"

"I can't wait to go home and replace all your sports channels with cooking channels."

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

'As a surprise I thought I'd give the new cookbook a try tonight.'

"Still haven't quite figured out the pressure cooker, huh dad?"

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

Honest Boris

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

'Hold on, Pepe!... The score is tied with less than a minute to go - and the losing team gets boiled.'

"Dad fixed you a balanced breakfast - the runny eggs are balanced with burnt toast!"

Barbecue with man, cat and dog.

Will work for Food Network.

'Maybe we shouldn't show how sausage and foie gras are made on the same day.'

Linda discovers she had just baked the wrong ziti

'Most of all, I'd like to thank god. . .'

Boy baking a cake.

'Step 5. Call the Fire Department.'

French bread

"I want you to be well in life, son...."

'This soufle is hard.' - 'No it isn't, your teeth are soft.'

Dog begging for a sausage

'Mom, I followed your time-honored legendary family recipe for Brussels Spout Bake with one exception - I substituted a pizza for the Brussels Sprouts.'

'Too much salt!'

'Just call me Delia...'

'Trying to eat her dinners is the only exercise I get.'

'I could beat these eggs a lot easier if it weren't for all the shells.'

Beth realized she wasn't such a great cook the night she tried to make an apple pie. 'Wow! Now that is good meatloaf!'

'I just need enough to send my Dad to cookery lessons!'

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom or night will stop Ed from overcooking the fish."

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

"No, dear. This meal isn't undercooked, you just haven't burnt it, for a change."

"There's something wrong with your dinner."

"You don't have any cooking experience? We should be able to get you a job at a hospital cafeteria."

Having a varied diet doesn't just mean all 12 varieties of 'kwiknoodles'.

'Amazing - No sooner do we invent cooking than we get the first celebrity chef.'