Wannabe Chef T-Shirts

'I just need enough to send my Dad to cookery lessons!'

Having a varied diet doesn't just mean all 12 varieties of 'kwiknoodles'.

"My Dad would like to borrow a cup of milk...and a cook book."

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

'As a surprise I thought I'd give the new cookbook a try tonight.'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

"Still haven't quite figured out the pressure cooker, huh dad?"

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

"Dad fixed you a balanced breakfast - the runny eggs are balanced with burnt toast!"

'Maybe we shouldn't show how sausage and foie gras are made on the same day.'

Linda discovers she had just baked the wrong ziti

'Step 5. Call the Fire Department.'

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

French bread

"I want you to be well in life, son...."

'This soufle is hard.' - 'No it isn't, your teeth are soft.'

'Trying to eat her dinners is the only exercise I get.'

'I could beat these eggs a lot easier if it weren't for all the shells.'

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

'Just call me Delia...'

Wisdom for dummies

Beth realized she wasn't such a great cook the night she tried to make an apple pie. 'Wow! Now that is good meatloaf!'

The Don't-Quit-Your-Day-Job Comedic Revue

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom or night will stop Ed from overcooking the fish."

"I can't wait to go home and replace all your sports channels with cooking channels."

'Son, do you think I'm ready for my own cooking show?'

"You call this pigswill food?"

"You don't have any cooking experience? We should be able to get you a job at a hospital cafeteria."

Jo Jo Was Anything But a Quitter.

"No, dear. This meal isn't undercooked, you just haven't burnt it, for a change."

"There's something wrong with your dinner."

'Is this fish fresh? Don't ask me, I've only been here two weeks.'

'Hi, I saw your ad and I'm interested in the entree-level position!'

"We try to give him a realistic outlook on life."

'Trust me, kids. Everything tastes better at the ballpark.'