Wannabe Chef T-Shirts

'I just need enough to send my Dad to cookery lessons!'

Having a varied diet doesn't just mean all 12 varieties of 'kwiknoodles'.

"My Dad would like to borrow a cup of milk...and a cook book."

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

'As a surprise I thought I'd give the new cookbook a try tonight.'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

"Still haven't quite figured out the pressure cooker, huh dad?"

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

Zorro as a child.

"Next, I'd like to play 'Guantanamera.'"

"Dad fixed you a balanced breakfast - the runny eggs are balanced with burnt toast!"

'Maybe we shouldn't show how sausage and foie gras are made on the same day.'

Linda discovers she had just baked the wrong ziti

Runs-With-Scissors Boy - Part One

'Step 5. Call the Fire Department.'

French bread

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

"I want you to be well in life, son...."

'This soufle is hard.' - 'No it isn't, your teeth are soft.'

'Trying to eat her dinners is the only exercise I get.'

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

'I don't see how you can put your profession as TV star just because you were in the crowd of Match of the Day!'

'I could beat these eggs a lot easier if it weren't for all the shells.'

'Just call me Delia...'

Beth realized she wasn't such a great cook the night she tried to make an apple pie. 'Wow! Now that is good meatloaf!'

Wisdom for dummies

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom or night will stop Ed from overcooking the fish."

The Don't-Quit-Your-Day-Job Comedic Revue

"I can't wait to go home and replace all your sports channels with cooking channels."

'Son, do you think I'm ready for my own cooking show?'

"There's something wrong with your dinner."

"No, dear. This meal isn't undercooked, you just haven't burnt it, for a change."

Jo Jo Was Anything But a Quitter.

"You call this pigswill food?"

"You don't have any cooking experience? We should be able to get you a job at a hospital cafeteria."