Wannabe Chefs T-Shirts

'Trust me, kids. Everything tastes better at the ballpark.'

'As a surprise I thought I'd give the new cookbook a try tonight.'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

"Still haven't quite figured out the pressure cooker, huh dad?"

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

Zorro as a child.

"Next, I'd like to play 'Guantanamera.'"

"Dad fixed you a balanced breakfast - the runny eggs are balanced with burnt toast!"

'Maybe we shouldn't show how sausage and foie gras are made on the same day.'

Runs-With-Scissors Boy - Part One

Linda discovers she had just baked the wrong ziti

'Step 5. Call the Fire Department.'

"I want you to be well in life, son...."

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

'This soufle is hard.' - 'No it isn't, your teeth are soft.'

French bread

'I could beat these eggs a lot easier if it weren't for all the shells.'

'I don't see how you can put your profession as TV star just because you were in the crowd of Match of the Day!'

'Just call me Delia...'

'Trying to eat her dinners is the only exercise I get.'

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

Beth realized she wasn't such a great cook the night she tried to make an apple pie. 'Wow! Now that is good meatloaf!'

'I just need enough to send my Dad to cookery lessons!'

The Don't-Quit-Your-Day-Job Comedic Revue

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

"I can't wait to go home and replace all your sports channels with cooking channels."

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom or night will stop Ed from overcooking the fish."

"There's something wrong with your dinner."

"No, dear. This meal isn't undercooked, you just haven't burnt it, for a change."

'Sue, the poltergeist has made us another cake.'

'Son, do you think I'm ready for my own cooking show?'

"We try to give him a realistic outlook on life."

Jo Jo Was Anything But a Quitter.

"You don't have any cooking experience? We should be able to get you a job at a hospital cafeteria."