Gourmet Chef Wannabe T-Shirts

'Maybe we shouldn't show how sausage and foie gras are made on the same day.'

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

'As a surprise I thought I'd give the new cookbook a try tonight.'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

"Still haven't quite figured out the pressure cooker, huh dad?"

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

"My secret is having a ton of money to buy the best ingredients."

"Dad fixed you a balanced breakfast - the runny eggs are balanced with burnt toast!"

Linda discovers she had just baked the wrong ziti

'Step 5. Call the Fire Department.'

"Call this cordon bleu?"

'Snob, he won't eat domestic slugs, just imports.'

"I'm not eating a TV dinner. Now it's called 'Computer Cuisine.'"

'This soufle is hard.' - 'No it isn't, your teeth are soft.'

Sandwich snob.

"I want you to be well in life, son...."

"Sauted lard, please."

'Which are the most popular and least popular items, and which have been on the menu the longest and shortest times?'

'Sorry, but we're going out for dinner.'

Salvador Deli

'Just call me Delia...'

"Look, gourmet popcorn! Harold, our son is a gourmet!"

'Blimey, how old is this stilton?' 'Let;s put it this way...it used to be cheddar.'

'I could beat these eggs a lot easier if it weren't for all the shells.'

End of the day bargains at the cheese counter.

'Of course I'd never have so much as looked at Timothy if it wasn't for his nose for truffles.'

'I just need enough to send my Dad to cookery lessons!'

Beth realized she wasn't such a great cook the night she tried to make an apple pie. 'Wow! Now that is good meatloaf!'

"Jean-Pierre, homemade caviar for table six, please!"

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

'Thanks, I found the cheesecloth. Can you recommend a nice wine to serve with it?'

'Ketchup? You know that's an insult to the chef, right?'

"Sous vide hot dog round, dehydrated generic bun dust, sweet relish foam, ketchup tuile."

"This isn't just any old food wine. This is the foodies' food wine."

"I can't wait to go home and replace all your sports channels with cooking channels."