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"Once the animal has been rendered lifeless, the rest is quite simple."

'Sorry, but we're going out for dinner.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, onion bagel with Nutella and cream cheese, dirt, dirt, dirt..."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'As a surprise I thought I'd give the new cookbook a try tonight.'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

"Still haven't quite figured out the pressure cooker, huh dad?"

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

Haute Chinese

"Dad fixed you a balanced breakfast - the runny eggs are balanced with burnt toast!"

Join me for dinner?

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

'Maybe we shouldn't show how sausage and foie gras are made on the same day.'

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

Cut out and keep your own Chef

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

'Pass the grey stuff.'

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

Linda discovers she had just baked the wrong ziti

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

"Whatever is quickest - I'm starving!"

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

'Step 5. Call the Fire Department.'

A restaurant with a "Main Dining Room" and a "Room for Dessert".

'This soufle is hard.' - 'No it isn't, your teeth are soft.'

"When I eat out, I like to order something I would never make at home."

"And it was at the moment I realized that the only thing holding me back from culinary excellence was a bucket-load of butter."

"Chef, we've run out of terracotta roof tiles!"