Aspiring Gourmet Pillows

"Once the animal has been rendered lifeless, the rest is quite simple."

'Sorry, but we're going out for dinner.'

'I can't wait 'til hunting is googling and gathering is calling out for delivery.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, onion bagel with Nutella and cream cheese, dirt, dirt, dirt..."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'As a surprise I thought I'd give the new cookbook a try tonight.'

"Still haven't quite figured out the pressure cooker, huh dad?"

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

"Dad fixed you a balanced breakfast - the runny eggs are balanced with burnt toast!"

I told you I got us the best table in the house. Pizza.

Join me for dinner?

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

Haute Chinese

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

'Maybe we shouldn't show how sausage and foie gras are made on the same day.'

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

Linda discovers she had just baked the wrong ziti

'Pass the grey stuff.'

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

Cut out and keep your own Chef

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

"Whatever is quickest - I'm starving!"

'Step 5. Call the Fire Department.'

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

A restaurant with a "Main Dining Room" and a "Room for Dessert".

"I'm sorry, but Chef Scott feels he's moved beyond that concept."

"When I eat out, I like to order something I would never make at home."