Gourmet Wannabe Pillows

"It was ok, but could be improved by cooking!"

"You call this pigswill food?"

"Waiter. This steak tartare is undercooked!"

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"I come here for the pepper."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'

"The food here is excellent- what time is breakfast?"

"Then again, an honest profile picture would not have got me a wonderful 'Duck Confit with a Chocolat Creme Brulee.'"

"There must be a place we can wait on line for an hour before eating."

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

Join me for dinner?

Haute Chinese

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

'Maybe we shouldn't show how sausage and foie gras are made on the same day.'

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

Cut out and keep your own Chef

'There was sizzle but no steak.'

"This meal tastes just like dog crap!"

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

'Pass the grey stuff.'

"When you said, 'Let's go out for dinner,' I thought you meant foraging. This is much better!"

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'