Gourmet Snob Pillows

'I love pretentious pasta!'

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'

"Would you like to see the markup?"

"The food here is excellent- what time is breakfast?"

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

I told you I got us the best table in the house. Pizza.

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

Haute Chinese

"There must be a place we can wait on line for an hour before eating."

Join me for dinner?

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"Then again, an honest profile picture would not have got me a wonderful 'Duck Confit with a Chocolat Creme Brulee.'"

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

"This meal tastes just like dog crap!"

'There was sizzle but no steak.'

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

"When you said, 'Let's go out for dinner,' I thought you meant foraging. This is much better!"

Cut out and keep your own Chef

'Pass the grey stuff.'

'Hey, I told you this place wasn't easy to get into.'

"Whatever is quickest - I'm starving!"