Cheeky Commentators Gifts

"Thanks for my pocket money Dad. But you forgot to add 17.5% VAT."

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

Check your universal remote control at the door.

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

Expressions of mystery.

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

Justice for a heckler.

"Have you ever licked cream off a woman's body?"

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

'I like it.'

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

Poking gentle fun at the company in the blog wasn't meant to include saying that the chief exec had a face like a baboons bottom.

The Phenomenon of Absolute Power, Expressed as a Geometric Curve.

'...the next train arriving at platform one is the 10.45 fast service to orgasm central!'

Our staff are very pleased, she's one of the brightest in her class. (What do you expect? I'm a genius!) I don't know where she gets it from...

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

'Hello Darling, I am on the bed with the window cleaner.'

Easter Island

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."

"I used to have a good head for business. Then I went and got married."

My opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the station, its advertisers and especially the teleprompter technician, who thinks I'm a total freakin' mor

'I want some lessons in back seat driving.'

'Here. Drink this till I'm hot.'

Football Fantasies

"He said his first word today - pubbies!"

"We lost Mr. Speak No Evil when he became a blogger."

'Showed me up you did, the only one politely applauding and wearing a tie!'

'I know you want to draw attentin to your blog, but having a wardrobe malfunction won't help.'

'Physicists talking dirty'

'They're called 'ladies in waiting,' not 'those broads downstairs'!'

Golf Shop. Sale. I need a ball that comes with distance, accuracy, and a tiny little life jacket.

"Do you wash your plums?"

'I've been sent for booze and fags - I've got a stay-at-home mum.'

"When I die I want to come back as a beautiful swan. And you?"