Celibate Comedian Pillows

"I suppose marriage would temper my penchant for pole dancing."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"Bit big for a cherub, isn't it, Brother Ignatious?"

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

'I've been charged with evading jury duty.'

Peace Negotiator now available for Weddings, Funerals, Christenings, Barmitzvah

A man jumps out of a window to avoid an injection.

'I really think you should check your pools, sir.'

The wedding.

"Your heart won't tolerate any more town-hall meetings."

Campaign Headquarters: For a $500 contribution, the candidate will shake your hand ans sustain eye contact with you for five seconds.

'Poppy - I have no issue with you being a Bi-polar, celibate vegan. It's just that your Aura's the wrong colour.'

"We were going to adopt a highway, but Rachel thought there would be less red tape if we adopted an overpass."

'The spare sack? After a million warm beers and pieces of fruit cake...you'd have a spare sack too!'

'Was it an Indian elephant or an African elephant?'

"I'd like to fall in love, but without - you know - the icky part."

'I've enhanced our caller I.D.'

"Same weight as you were in high school, great....now put the other foot on the scale too!"

"I was very good...delicious in fact."

'Ar ... to be sore, to be sore.' - Post St Patrick's Day.

"Great job dealing with all those mail-in ballots. Seriously, top notch."

'That's the thing when you start living with someone - you discover all of their little habits.'

'Date of birth?' - 'Tenth of February 1979' - 'Sex?' - 'Yes, please.' - '£1,000 fine?' - '...totally worth it.'

Just duty excuses.

"Happy Birthday, dear. Remember. . . it's the thought that counts!"

"Well if these walls could talk, I'm pretty sure they'd agree with me."

'...and I promise not to make any rash promises...OOPS!'

Tax the Poor

Sad Humour