Celebration Humorist Pillows

Peace Negotiator now available for Weddings, Funerals, Christenings, Barmitzvah

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

Graduates on their phones

'He does.'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'Man. Piltdown Man.'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

"If either of you know any cause or impediment why you should not be married, INCLUDING YouTube CLIPS, declare it now."

The Aisle

'... So I said to Dave; 'You're not going to wear that baggy old thing are you?' But, he decided to come nude anyway.'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

'And by clicking on 'I Agree,' you agree to the terms and conditions...'

"Congratulations, dude, and you may now play tonsil hockey with the bride."

"You may now kiss the bride."

Once Again Jeff Had Put Too Much Helium In The Party Balloons.

'You should have seen the one that got away!'

"Sinead?!"

"He's a terrific photographer but weddings are not his specialty."

For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health for a full 13 episodes...?

'My best friend threw her bouquet to me at her wedding, and I ATE it!'

"And do you, Bob, promise to treat Karen as well as you treat your vintage 1950 Indian Blackhawk motorcycle?"

'Swear on your unpublished novels that you will support each other's ridiculous dreams.'

"This birthday qualified him to be tapped as a fossil fuel reserve."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'You have the body of a 22 year old man, providing your birthday is February 29th.'