Party Humorist Pillows

Man can't reach to light huge cigar.

'I wish to be thinner than all my friends.'

"Hey, I'm just happy the transplant worked at all."

'You should all get along beautifully. Fred handles toxic wastes, Doris works at a nuclear reactor and Walter just isn't taking any chances.'

"Everybody sees right through your damned transparency."

'I think you may have misunderstood the invitation when it said 'Black Tie Only'!'

'That's funny, I got my start as a human cannonball'

Hippo Birthday

'Attila the Hun, meet Genghis Khan.'

"That's the first spontaneous thing Stephen's done for years!"

'When Jane divorced me she let me keep my loin cloth.'

"I sure hope this dinner party doesn't end in an orgy. I'm just not any good at multitasking."

'I'm reclaiming my roots.'

Come here often...

'Sorry - I'm saving all my small talk for my novel.'

'I've come a long way. I now have health insurance.'

"Just try to blend in!"

"I've never met a happy atheist."

'Your husband has...charisma? Oh we had one - but the big end kept going.'

'Just because I have a higher sperm count than you do, is no reason to think of me as a slut.'

'Im a mble phn slsmn' (I'm a mobile phone salesman.')

'... So I said to Dave; 'You're not going to wear that baggy old thing are you?' But, he decided to come nude anyway.'

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

'That little tan vertical stripe you're referring to, is actually a gravy stain.'

"No thank you they give me projectile vomiting"

"Oh my God!! Hammer toes!!!"

"My memory's so bad I can plan my own surprise party."

We are 50 going on 15...

Man introduced to a lady at a party

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

"Oh God. More condoms."

"Now, if I were you I'd lose some weight, get contact lenses, put lifts in my shoes, wear a toupee, grow a moustache, and start smoking a pipe."

A cupcake jumps out of a birthday cake.

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."