Celibacy Jokesters Pillows

"Bit big for a cherub, isn't it, Brother Ignatious?"

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

National Boss Monument.

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"But you didn't say they had to make sense - you just told us to write a thousand words a day."

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

The Mayor Alonzo Q. Furdweiller Pothole. Looks like the mayor and the city council are bickering again.

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! Malaprop Man! I hear you told people in England you're royalty. Yeah, at first they didn't realize that I was only Joe King. I was an error to the throne who rained for forty days and forty knights. It's disappointing though that I never got to see a pig riding contest at Bucking Ham palace. And I never met Sherlock Holmes. He's the guy who followed the foot prince!

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Snail slow to react to an ant's joke.

Robot porn.

'I know you're tired of hearing the same old political cliches, but I believe in recycling.'

'3 pints of lager, 2 gin and tonic, 1 vodka and coke and a replacement liver.'

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'

Junior's switch to electronic chewing tobacco was short-lived.

'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way I told you to.'