Sovereignty Jokesters Pillows

"Could our co-op secede from the United States and govern itself?"

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

God not-too-happy with the Humans sticking a 'Closing DOWN Sale!' sign on planet Earth

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

Extremely Practical Jokes.

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"If we only use 10% of our brains, how am I supposed to get passing grades?"

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

"Bit big for a cherub, isn't it, Brother Ignatious?"

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

'Catch a pair of chimps and do a complete makeover on them.'

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"King and clown—why can't I be both?"

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'You realize, we can't use the 'benign neglect' method for everything.'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Snail slow to react to an ant's joke.

Robot porn.

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'

'Why don't you change it to sports or cartoons or something? -- You know CNN just depresses you.'

Junior's switch to electronic chewing tobacco was short-lived.