Sovereignty Jokesters Pillows

"Could our co-op secede from the United States and govern itself?"

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

God not-too-happy with the Humans sticking a 'Closing DOWN Sale!' sign on planet Earth

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

Extremely Practical Jokes.

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"If we only use 10% of our brains, how am I supposed to get passing grades?"

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

"Bit big for a cherub, isn't it, Brother Ignatious?"

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

'What, not even a kiss first?'

'Catch a pair of chimps and do a complete makeover on them.'

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"King and clown—why can't I be both?"

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

'You realize, we can't use the 'benign neglect' method for everything.'

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Robot porn.

Relativity explained; the woman on the train will always appear more attractive than the woman on the platform.

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'