Celibate Humorist Pillows

"I'd like to fall in love, but without - you know - the icky part."

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

'Now that's what I call rejection.'

"Bit big for a cherub, isn't it, Brother Ignatious?"

"Helen, is it possible that we are using our child as an intimacy barrier?"

'For your penance, download five 'Hail marys' and ten 'Our fathers'.'

"Edgar's very politically engaged ever since he began using his vote as an anger management tool."

"It's not what you think."

'Your left ventricle doesn't know what your right ventricle is doing.'

Man at council planning offices can't get through door due to position of steps.

I'm just a pollster, ma'am - I have no idea which candidate is a cat person.

Dating Rule #1. Repeat after me: I need some space. I need some space. Got it. Good. Make sure you tell that to Laurel all the time. But

'You'll marry me? Really? Then forget it! I can't be with someone who's standards are that low!'

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

"Fetch and roll over weren't enough-then they sent me to philosophy classes."

Peace Negotiator now available for Weddings, Funerals, Christenings, Barmitzvah

'Wait a minute -- Shouldn't you be saying something about 'If not completely satisfied'?'

"The planet appears to be inhabitable but more like low-income inhabitable."

The wedding.

'He's clever alright-just watch him dry up when it's HIS round!'

'Jill, come take a look at Mr. Bolinder's EKG!'

Early Selfies

'I'm gonna go slip into something less comfortable.'

"I was thinking more of a leap-year wedding."

"I'm not sure I can really help you. I've dealt with hundreds of rodent infestations, but I've never even heard of Beerkats!"

'Parish Council, working towards obsolescence'

"Actually, my political philosophy is pretty simple: 'Practice Random Gridlock and Senseless Acts of Partisanship!'"

'The spare sack? After a million warm beers and pieces of fruit cake...you'd have a spare sack too!'

'That perfume you're wearing smells funny. I love it!'

"It's our duty to vote, but it's their duty to find someone worth voting for!"