Celibate Comedian Gifts

"I suppose marriage would temper my penchant for pole dancing."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.

"Bit big for a cherub, isn't it, Brother Ignatious?"

'I've been charged with evading jury duty.'

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

No, it's not the beer talking. Beer actually makes a better impression than I do. ! !

Peace Negotiator now available for Weddings, Funerals, Christenings, Barmitzvah

A man jumps out of a window to avoid an injection.

'I really think you should check your pools, sir.'

Trump in Washington

The wedding.

Conflicted Chief

"Your heart won't tolerate any more town-hall meetings."

Don't even dream of parking here.

Campaign Headquarters: For a $500 contribution, the candidate will shake your hand ans sustain eye contact with you for five seconds.

'Poppy - I have no issue with you being a Bi-polar, celibate vegan. It's just that your Aura's the wrong colour.'

"We were going to adopt a highway, but Rachel thought there would be less red tape if we adopted an overpass."

'The spare sack? After a million warm beers and pieces of fruit cake...you'd have a spare sack too!'

'Ar ... to be sore, to be sore.' - Post St Patrick's Day.

"I'd like to fall in love, but without - you know - the icky part."

'I've enhanced our caller I.D.'

"Same weight as you were in high school, great....now put the other foot on the scale too!"

'Was it an Indian elephant or an African elephant?'

"I was very good...delicious in fact."

"Great job dealing with all those mail-in ballots. Seriously, top notch."

'That's the thing when you start living with someone - you discover all of their little habits.'

'Date of birth?' - 'Tenth of February 1979' - 'Sex?' - 'Yes, please.' - '£1,000 fine?' - '...totally worth it.'

"Oh! So this is where you hide all the blankets you steal from me every night!"

Just duty excuses.

"Happy Birthday, dear. Remember. . . it's the thought that counts!"

"Well if these walls could talk, I'm pretty sure they'd agree with me."

'...and I promise not to make any rash promises...OOPS!'

Tax the Poor

Actually, I never understood these televised sessions until the cable company started scrambling their signal.