Celebrity Sage Gifts

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"I don't know… Did you try Googling it?"

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'Oh, yeah? -- Well, my true inner self can whip your true inner self!'

One way only.

"Pastor, may we share a message with you about humility?"

How to identify the alarming mood swings of male menopause.

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

One can hardly be expected to solve the riddle of existence without a computer

Bishop with a crozier case.

That's no big deal, a lot of people get Siskel and Ebert mixed up

"Is there a dramaturge in the house?"

'How am I supposed to meditate with your nose whistling?'

"Ralph - you'd play better golf if you had your eyes checked."

'This has a great ending...he shoots her.'

'I still have all my own teeth.'

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

Couldn't you have used a smaller font?

"You're confusing guilt with feelings of remorse. With remorse, you don't need a lawyer."

"Rough year?" (2021 new year baby asking 2020 old year man)

"This is very mysterious. I can't seem to pick up anything at all about you, but I see 'Ivan the Terrible' coming to the Thalia."

"A million monkeys typing for a million years might come up with Hamlet, but they could never direct it."

'Wh-h-hatz-u-upp, dude?'

"I have no head for show business."

The past only looks good when you're living in the present.