Celebrity Chef Pillows

Chef's Specials - Hissy Fits, Shouting and Swearing, Pompus Indigestion.

Woman reads Nigella Lawson cook book: 'Add butter to the mixture, remembering to moisten your lips ... whisk for three to four minutes, pouting throughout ...'

Nigella Lawson.

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

'See? You call my look 'a midlife crisis' but for these guys it's a major TV series.'

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall

And that's how to make cheese fondue!

'It's a blackmail note - Someone saw me going into that Fish-and-Chip shop!'

'Never mind about Jamie Oliver - how does Delia Smith feel about it?'

Dog mess - Menu, Scoop of the Day

'We've nothing but beans on toast, the chef's too busy writing books and making TV shows to cook.'

'Celeb Foods: Damien Hurst's voles in brine.'

Restaurant scene; diners are shown kneeling in reverence at their tables.

Nate was Martha Stewart's biggest fan. 'Hi, I'm Nate. I love all your work.I can't tell you how excited I am to finally meet you!'

"You'll be perfect for this Emeril Lagasse recipe I want to try!"

Confucious Say: 'He who strangles the cook will not eat the scones.'

'And stir to a smooth consistency.'

'Add three eggs, a pinch of salt, two ounces of olive oil and the phone number of a local pizza in delivery in case this recipe doesn't work out.'

Marco Pierre White

"When Picasso was hungry he would swap a painting for a meal. Times change. I am a celebrity chef..."

'Sorry, viewers, I was going to show you one I made earlier but it's been scoffed by the second assistant sound engineer.'

Jamie's cooking for the holocaust...

"I'd rather be seared by Emeril than sauteed by Rachel."

"I can't decide if I want to grow up to be a pediatric heart surgeon or a celebrity chef."

Emeril Lagasse

Bobby Flay

"Apparently, Paul Hollywood used to be called Paul Hollywoodland."

Gordon Ramsey's Refrigerator

"It's still stew but the celebrity chef wants to call it a deconstructed steak and ale pie with a dusting of salt in a brown sauce coulis."

"The jelly required a soupçon more texture on the custard was on the wrong side of sweet."

"It's Paul Hollywood's signature dish, an embarrassing relationship breakdown with a hint of chauvinism and celebrity narcissism."

"The presentation is poor the peas undercooked and the chicken dinosaurs need more seasoning."

'A potato made entirely out of minced beef, designed to complement out faux-meat potato burger.'

How I met your mother

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app