Celebrity Chefs Pillows

'Hello - is that Jamie Oliver?'

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

Gordon Ramsay's Own Brand

TV Chef Cooking Range

'Have you been using that Hairy Bikers cookbook again'

'I hope you like this, dear. I got the recipe from Gordon Ramses, latest cookery hieroglyphics.'

John Toroda and Gregg Wallace

"I'd rather be seared by Emeril than sauteed by Rachel."

"I blame all those ruddy celebrity chefs."

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

Chez Nous Menu

Night of the Latkes

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

'See? You call my look 'a midlife crisis' but for these guys it's a major TV series.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

Keith Floyd.

"De l'huile bouillante, pas du fromage fondu!"

An Advance Visit From The Three Wise Men

"If Sinatra had eaten here he'd have loved it."

How I met your mother

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'I wish I hadn't coloured in all that bread, now.'

"Do we really need the interactive garbage disposer?"

Alphabet soup

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

Skyscraper Chef's Hat.

The simultaneous development of dining and pomposity.

"Well, he's a celebrity chef and the celebreties love his cooking."

"It said on the packet the pasta should act as a vehicle for the sauce."

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

Chef's Specials - Hissy Fits, Shouting and Swearing, Pompus Indigestion.

Woman reads Nigella Lawson cook book: 'Add butter to the mixture, remembering to moisten your lips ... whisk for three to four minutes, pouting throughout ...'