Cautious Parent Gifts

'I never played baseball, football or soccer. . . I grew up in the 'concussion era'.'

"My mom says you can sleep on the top bunk if your parents will sign a release form."

'If you shoot your foot off don't coming running to me.'

Despite some overgrown lawns, the neighborhood is terrific. For sale. The seller's yard is meticulously tended. Imagine letting him play here everyday! Just treated with pesticide.

No Immediate Danger

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

'Let's try it once without the parachute.'

'News headline: Britain unsafe to bring up young children.'

Father nursing his sick child

'It's nice to go hiking together. It gives us a chance to compare notes and figure out what the kids are plotting!'

'Are you sure the children get plenty of exercise'

Humpty Dumpty wearing over-the-shoulder seat belt smiles smugly.

"What did you learn in school today that I'd object to?"

Sweet Jailbreak

"Gosh, before you know it they'll be all grown up and making poor decisions that you can't comment on or ever make peace with!"

Boy has swallowed marbles thinking they are sweets

'Did the nasty man hurt you?'

"Cautious and considerate? Door on the left, one mask each. Selfish and ignorant? Door on the right, do as you please."

'Do you mind if my son watches you cook? I'm trying to bring him up to be a vegetarian.'

Health and safety nightmare.

"It's the whole kindergarten thing, Mom. I'm alone in there, swimming with the sharks."

At Travel Agent - "We're interested in a no-diarrhea itinery."

"I made this one a mom because she has two eyes behind her head."

"How soon can I start her on fad diets?"

"Okay, guys. Don't open your chutes till I give the word."

Height barrier accident.

'So you're the boy who wants to be a health and safety officer.'

I came for my daughter. She was hurt in gym? Your husband took her to the hospital. West Fester High School. Is my daughter, Twig Tree, here? Emergency. Your husband took her home. Isn't there anything I can do? Of course there is! Your insurance card, please. I am a good mother!

"Nature, nurture or a bit of both?"

Parent-Teacher Conferences: 'The bad news is your son failed every test I gave this term. The good news is that we know he's not abusing any mind-expanding drugs.'

'Mom says if you're going to buy anything online,I'm supposed to make sure it's a secure site.'

Drink Driving

'Better slow it down a bit.'

"I know sex is no longer a taboo subject. I just don't feel like discussing it all the time, that's all."

A good school report at last...how much did it cost you?